apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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