Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
