My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
