i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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