You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
