grandma shit on top of the toilet
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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