I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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