i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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