thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
