i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We need to rekindle our bromance
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
