so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm just crazy horny about you
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
