careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
P.S. I can't hear my feet
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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