just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize