My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
