i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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