the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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