Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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