Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize