Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
