ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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