I'm so fucking centered right now
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
