Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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