The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
it was like eating out sand paper
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
