There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
