Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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