I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Randomize
