people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
