i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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