I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
