Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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