what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
