so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
