i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
my shit smells like andre
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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