Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
