The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
