Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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