man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I feel like abortions should bother me more
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
