Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
