His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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