I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
