I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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