Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
