I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
