My friends, they love my intelligence
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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