cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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