girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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