I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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