Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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