my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
