how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the condom got lost in my hair
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
