I need to stop coming to work sober
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
