I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize