take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
