i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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