Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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