John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
