You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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