Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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