Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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